The road to motherhood...pt 1...this is gonna be long...

Adam and I were married on the 29th December 2004 and started trying for a baby not long after. The funny bit is that I was never all that keen on having kids, but something happened the day the engagement ring met my finger, suddenly I was keen to have a baby.

I had the contraceptive implant taken out in April and it was on. We were happy to share with people that we were trying when they asked, because I mean, after all, we were young and we had spent the previous 7 years using the pill AND condoms to make sure we didn't get pregnant. Surely it wouldn't take all that long for us to find ourselves ' in the family way'.

After 6 months of trying with no success, I went to the Dr to see if there was anything we should know. He explained that it took most healthy fertile couples 12 months to conceive, and sent me on my way.

After 12 months of trying, with still no success, I went back. He ran the usual blood tests, all normal, ultrasounds, all normal, sperm analysis, all normal, well quite a bit better than normal... his advice keep trying. So we did.

On cycle 18 finally, we had a BFP... for those who dont frequent parenting/pregnancy forums, BFP is a BIG FAT POSITIVE on a HPT or home pregnancy test. We were both stoked. Finally, all our hard work had paid off. Hard work? Yes, anyone who has taken more than 5 minutes to conceive will understand that trying for a baby really can become just like hard work. You become consumed by timing, mucous, positions, temperatures, argh argh argh...

On the day before I was to see the Dr for blood tests to confirm I was in fact pregnant, I started spotting. My heart sank. I know, bleeding in pregnancy is normal for some women, but in my heart I just knew it wasn't normal for me. I knew our dream was over before it began. When Adam walked in the door, I just remember falling into his arms in tears. And he held me. We both knew, our much wanted baby was gone. They had come, stayed for a few weeks, but then had to leave.

A series of blood tests and an ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. We were not having a baby anymore.

But on the bright side, after starting to doubt all the tests that were telling us we were normal and fertile, finally we believed them. We had been able to get pregnant and surely that was a start. Yes, I would have liked to still be pregnant with that baby, but it was not that soul's time. Our little soul would come to us when it was ready.

'THEY' (you know the 'they' who know everything) said that often the month after a miscarriage is the time you are most fertile. So we were back at with hope in our hearts. But alas, no baby for us that month. Nor any of the following months it seemed.

Our baby would have been due on the 3rd March 2007, Adam would be a daddy before his 30th Birthday. It was a day I was getting more and more stressed about as it approached. I had coped well with the miscarriage, I had my cry and really felt as if I had processed it well. But I was not sure how I was going to cope with that date if I wasn't at least pregnant again. In my mind, that's what I needed. I needed to be pregnant with our little soul by that date to be able to cope.

In November 2006 the Dr finally wrote a referral to see a fertility specialist at an IVF center. Our appointment was for late February 2007. In February, we decided that our IVF appointment was so close that why bother trying, we were broken, while we could possibly get pregnant, we clearly sucked at it, and science could just fix us. I did however, try for the first time taking a herb called vitex. I had friends who swore by it, and I figured what harm is a $15 bottle of herbs going to do, who knows it might save us a few thousand dollars on IVF treatment.

And low and behold it did. It was the 22nd February. It was swimming sports day at school. I was talking with a good friend, (who was pregnant also thanks to vitex) that my period was due that day and I had cramping and could feel it coming. But alas, it didn't. The next morning I POAS (pee'd on a stick, stick being a HPT) and 2 lines came up. It was just the cat and I there. It was cycle 26 and we were pregnant. I called Adam who was excited but nervous, after last time, as was I. I made urgent Dr's appointments, I wanted to be sure it was all fine before I cancelled the IVF appointment. Those appointments are had to come by and if I didn't need it and could cancel, it would give someone else the opportunity to have that appointment and realise their dream instead.

I had an early scan and seeing that little heart beat pumping away was amazing.

Each time I saw our little bean on the screen my heart swelled just that little bit more. Although, anyone who has experienced a loss knows that you never really enjoy a pregnancy until you have that babe safe in your arms. To calm myself, and to try and enjoy the pregnancy, each morning on the drive to work I would recite the following poem to our little bean... begging it to stay with us.

I know that you can hear me
I know you feel my love
I know that in my heart of hearts
That's sometimes not enough

But little child, please hear me
Listen to my pleas
Although god needs his angels
I know that you need me

And heaven knows I need you too
This time stay safe inside
Grow stronger with each passing hour
As day by day I bide

Until the hours upon you
To come into my care
Please hear this plea my precious child
My loves beyond compare

I found this on a parenting forum I use and it just struck a chord with me. It made me feel at peace. I knew the baby could hear me, and I hoped they liked what they heard.

I had a good pregnancy. No morning sickness to speak of, well if you don't include that one spew the morning of the 12 week scan when I was convinced it was all going to be over because I felt so good....nerves will do strange thing to people. I didn't gain a lot of weight, the fact that I have a fair bit in reserve probably helped there. It was an easy, stress free pregnancy. My obs described me as so relaxed about it all I was bordering being in a coma.

At 30 weeks I got a bad head cold so took the day off work as I felt like death. I went into mums work (she works in pharmacy) to see if there were any drugs I could take as I felt so bad. There wasn't.

But mum did ask why I was wearing thongs in the middle of winter. They were the only shoes that fitted me, I was a bit more than slightly puffy. Mum made me sit down then and there to check my blood pressure.. it was high, really high. Having suffered pre eclampsia herself, she knew the signs and knew that what my blood pressure was doing was not good. She insisted that I call my obs right then and ask what he wanted me to do. Thank god I had done some shopping for the baby shower before I went to see her. The obs insisted I come in right away. So I did. I called Adam on the way there to let him know what was going on. He said if he needed to come home, he would be there soon. I said that I'm sure it was going to be fine and I would see him later that day.

The obs agreed that my blood pressure was high, I assumed he would send me for blood work to check my liver function and get me to do a 24 hour urine collection. I was right. However, what I did not expect was that I would be doing those things in hospital. When he said he was calling the hospital to see if they had a bed for me, the exact words that came out of my mouth were "you're shitting me, right?".. shitting me, he was not. He suggested I get my mum to drive me home, umm I drove myself here... he was shocked I could even see clearly my blood pressure was so high. He said I could drive home, but to call him when I got there so he knew I was safe, and then to get someone else to drive me to the hospital, they were expecting me.

I called Adam, laughing. I was still in denial that I needed to go to hospital. He said he would meet me at home. So off to hospital we went. I was admitted, blood was taken, urine was collected, steroids given in case bub needed to be delivered quickly. There was talk of me transferring to a bigger hospital that was able to deal with babies born before 34 weeks. There was talk that if a bigger hospital didn't have beds for both of us we may be separated. There was me, cool as a cucumber, knowing that it was all going to be ok.

I was kept in for 4 days that visit. I had to call work to tell them that I wouldn't be in as I was in hospital maybe having a baby, but maybe not. When the Dr said I could go home with checks every 2 days, I asked if that meant I could go back to work. He laughed out loud. Literally, he laughed in my face and asked Adam if I was serious. Adam confirmed that I was.

So not only was I not allowed to work, I was not allowed to drive, I was not allowed to shower if I was home alone, I was on house arrest, on bed/couch rest. Adam even took my car keys because he didn't trust that I wouldn't just nick out somewhere... and you know what, I sooo would have too. I had family and friends driving me into the hospital every second day for blood tests, urine samples and CTG monitors on bubs. The home time didn't last long however, by 32 weeks I was back in hospital. Blood pressure was out of control, and I was on maximum doses of 2 different medications. It was not safe for me to be alone apparently. I was told I would be staying there until bubs was delivered.

That almost happened at 34 weeks. Blood pressure was crazy, nothing was bringing it down. Seeing as bub was breech, a cesarean was booked for first thing the following morning. Adam called work to say he wouldn't be in. We told our parents. We checked out the special care nursery, as it was highly likely bubs would be going in there. We signed consent forms and checked off arm and ankle bands for our baby. Morning came, change of Dr's and my delivery was cancelled.

While I knew bubs staying inside was the best thing, after weeks being stuck in hospital, I was tired and emotional. I just wanted this child out and to go home. I was angry, I was bored, I was not sick. I just wanted to go home. I struggled. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was no longer a teacher, my classes were being taken by someone else. I was not yet a mother, where was my child. I was a nothing, a big, fat, pregnant, nothing and I hated it.

At 36 weeks, things hadn't improved, but they hadn't gotten worse. The Dr's decided that we would deliver at 37 weeks, technically full term, and that in the meantime I could go home IF I came in for daily checks. DEAL!

The day I had him...

On the 10th October 2007 @ 37 weeks gestation, Xavier Ellis Thomas Phillips was born by cesarean section @ 12:09pm. He came out limp and blue. He didn't breathe alone, he didn't breathe for almost 5 minutes. But he was perfect. When he started, he let out a little cry, but from day 1 he was a relaxed baby.

Our first sight of our baby boy...

He was perfect, he was here, and he was ours. The love was instant.

First mummy cuddles...

I had a hard time after the delivery. My blood pressure spiked again, so severely that they were injecting me with medication to bring it down. I heard the midwife ask if this would impact on breastfeeding, and then heard the nurse tell her that I was a high risk of a stroke and that if that happened there would be no breastfeeding by me at all, ever. Adam returned to our room with Xavier, I was kept in recovery for almost 4 hours. Not that it felt like that long. I'm not sure if I slept or what happened, but before I knew it i was back with my precious little man.