Breastfeeding Xavier...or not...

So after the story of his conception and arrival I thought I would share our breastfeeding story. Most people know that I am pro breastfeeding, and for some reason, I feel that I need to clarify that because I am pro breast feeding that does not mean that I am anti bottle feeding. I do have friends that are anti bottle feeding and at times that has put me in a difficult place, but I also like that I have living proof that bottle fed babies are OK too and these friends can see this for themselves.

I had always planned to breast feed. It was not because I thought it was better than formula, it was not because I was breastfed myself and it was not because I was surrounded by breast feeders. It was none of these reasons. It was because I just assumed that was what you did. I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that human milk was for human babies. I went into motherhood, with a clear plan. I would try breastfeeding, and if it worked great, if it didn't that was fine too. I thought at the time I was being very fair on myself, I realise now I was in a sense setting myself up for failure from the outset.

After his somewhat dramatic entrance to the world, OK well my dramatic recovery from his entrance into the world, Xavier was not put to the breast for well over 4 hours. He was an early baby, some 37 weekers behave like full term babies, mine behaved like a preemie. He was sleepy, quite and jaundice. I ended up buzzing a midwife and had to ask 'how' to feed him. I had never fed a baby before, and really all the classes in the world don't prepare you for having a real live babe in your arms. All I recall of that first feed was lots of pushing, shoving and groping. Actually that's all I really recall of the early days of our breastfeeding relationship. Sadly, I don't look back at our short breastfeeding relationship with a moment of awww... I have no photos of us feeding, as far as all evidence, I may well never have done it at all.

By day 3, Xavier had lost over 10% (close to 20%) of his birth weight and his jaundice was quite bad. The midwife suggested some formula top up, just until my milk came in. I do recall asking at this point if I could have another 24 hours of exclusive breastfeeding in order to try and get him back on track. She said she would ask the Dr. The Paed came in and in no uncertain terms told me that my options were to give him formula myself OR he would be taken to the special care nursery and tube fed formula. I signed the consent forms for him to be given formula top ups after every breast feed. Which I was told to do 3-4 hourly. At no point was demand feeding suggested, or even allowing him to have open access to the milk bar.

He gained enough weight over the next few days and we were allowed home on day 5. He was still having formula top ups, and I didn't really feel that my milk was in. But after spending so many weeks in hospital during pregnancy, I didn't want to stay there a second longer than I had to. We stopped to hire a breast pump on the way home and the next few days were a blur of feeding, expressing and topping up. At most I could express 20ml in 20 minutes. It seemed so pointless. He was spending less time at the breast, he was just too tired to suck well and was spending more time on the bottle. Although he was that sleepy that to get a bottle into him took up to an hour too. The midwives visited daily to watch his weight. I asked if maybe I didn't have enough milk and if there was anything I could do to increase my supply. The advice I was given was to drink more and express more. I was drinking in excess of 5lt a day and expressing for 20 min every 1.5 hours.

By day 13 it was just all too much. My supply was not increasing, he was happier on the bottle and everyone around me was telling me that I had tried my best and that it was OK to give up breastfeeding. I agreed, but I still remember standing at the sink washing bottles and bursting into tears at the thought that I was sending the breast pump back. It was a sign that our breastfeeding relationship was over. Adam kindly suggested that perhaps I could keep it for an extra week, just in case I changed my mind. I didn't, but it was a lovely gesture from a husband who was as clueless as I was, just trying to support his wife in the best way he knew how.

Once Xavier was on formula full time the troubles began. First it was constipation. A change of formula fixed that problem. Then the huge amounts of vomit started. More formula changes, which all helped for a while, then it would start again. Solids at 4 months didn't help, as promised by the GP, nor did sitting up. At 6 months we discovered that Xavier was cows milk protein intolerant. Well, I discovered he was CMPI, thanks to the help of RISA the reflux association. The Dr's kept telling me I just had a happy chucker. This diagnosis resulted in prescription formula for Xavier, that smelt horrid, tasted worse, but did the trick. But the spew stopped. I should add that Xave our grew his intolerance around 16 months and now consumes dairy likes its going out of fashion.

As I started leaving the house more and more and talking to other mothers, I realised that there were more options I could have tried to help breastfeed Xavier longer. There was medication, there were herbs, there was the ABA helpline. The worst bit was, I was an ABA member the entire time, yet never thought to call. I trusted the midwives who were coming to my home. I felt guilty for not trying hard enough, but most of all I felt sad. It wasn't until it was taken away from me that I realised how much I had wanted to breastfeed. I feel sad that there is no evidence of our breastfeeding relationship. There are no photos, there are no wonderful warm fuzzy memories... there is just loss and sadness.

The follow up story of my success with breastfeeding Stella is for another time. But while I still regret the choices I made for Xavier, and probably always will, I have chosen to use the experience to move myself forwards. Had mine and Xavier's breastfeeding relationship been an easy and successful one, I doubt I would be the person I am today. It was this experience that led me to educating myself about the mechanics of breastfeeding, that led me to the support and friendships of my local ABA group, that led me to start training as an ABA breastfeeding counsellor. And I hope, will lead me to help others have successful breastfeeding relationships with their own children.

I finish with the acknowledgement that I have a happy and healthy 2 year old. He is a joy (most of the time) he is tall for his age, and lean (like his daddy) he is crazy smart, fearless and the entertainer of the family. He is, and always has been a wonderful sleeper (bar the first few months in a big bed) Being bottle fed has to this point done him no harm. We have a wonderful, warm, loving relationship, we bonded well from the outset.

I cannot go back and change the past, but I can, and have, learnt from it.