Xavier is 4!

Today Xavier turned 4 and is in complete and utter denial about the fact. He has been lamenting for the past week that he doesn't WANT to be 4, he likes 3 just fine and thinks that he will just stay 3 for a bit longer. Oh the logic of a 3, almost 4, year old.

Some random facts about Xavier to note;

• After spending his early 3's changing his favourite colour as often as his underpants, he has finally settled on PURPLE.
• His sister Stella is his best friend in the whole world. 
• When he grows up he is going to have 3 girl babies and 2 boys babies (all at once too it seems). His babies will cut their way out of his stomach with their scissors, because he doesn't have a gyna for them to come out of, and they will do this when they are ready (because mummy, 'its not for us to know when the babies are ready, only the babies know that')
• His favourite dinosaurs is the stegosaurus and second is the triceraptops.
• He loves fish fingers, mac and cheese, strawberries, bananas and pink milk. 
• He was so excited that the girl he loves at kinder came to his birthday party. So much so that he made her a card that very night to say thankyou for coming. 
• Xavier started dancing lessons this year and never before have I seen him so much in his element. He adores not only his teacher but just dancing. I see in his face, when he thinks no one is looking just how much joy it brings him to dance. 

On Saturday, we threw a dinosaur party for our big boy. Despite the shy smiles, and reservation he displays, he had a fantastic time celebrating with his friends. For his actual birthday today we headed to Scienceworks to check out the dinosaurs, he loved it!

 I was pretty open in blogging his 3rd birthday that Xavier as a 2 year old wasn't easy. In fact, it was pretty hellish. I was approaching 3 with caution and hope, and let me tell you it has paid off. The 3 year old Xavier was a reward for surviving the previous year of 2 year old Xavier.

So for you, my darling son, this last year I have watched you grow and learn with my heart bursting with pride. You are gentle and loving, sharp and hilarious, sharing and warm. I see more and more of your Daddy in you each and every day, and you know what, I love him too. You are slow to warm to new settings and people, but once comfortable you engage, love, entertain. 1 year ago, I hoped that we would be rockin it and we totally are. You, Mr Xavier, rock this woman's world. I cant wait to see what the next year brings us.

Haidee's Virtual Baby Shower...

...please excuse this interuption to regular viewing.. oh who am I kidding, I have been a lazy sod and haven't blogged in AGES... I apologise... but today's blog is for a very special cyber friend of mine...

Being a member of an online forum as well as being a paid employee gives me insights into a wide range of experiences. There are some members who for one reason or another just stick in your mind, you watch their progress with interest, you rejoice when they announce their BFP (big fat positive, on a pregnancy test for those not down with the lingo), your heart aches as they experience the grief of miscarriage, and you feel ill when they announce another failed IVF attempt. Haidee is one of 'my' girls, and one of the last to get the elusive BFP from the good ol days (sadly there are still some waiting for that day). But today is about Haidee. Haidee is a lovely, kind, generous, wonderful woman I met online. Despite traveling her own road on infertility, she has always had time to comfort others, offer advice and have just the right words at the right time. As a moderator, she has always been a pleasure to work with, I have copied many a Haidee start up thread to post all over the community. You can read her story here

Anywho, today's post is in honor of Haidee's Baby Shower, after 3 long years, she is finally expecting her own bundle of joy. A baby boy is going to grace their home on the coming weeks, and I am so pleased for her that i really could just burst. Due to the fact that Haidee lives all the way over in Kiwi land, we her forum friends are hosting her a very special Virtual Baby Shower, where we post the gifts we would like to give to Haidee if we were attending her shower in person. Everyone elses gifts can be found here if you would like to see what others have 'given' to her...so here goes...

Oh and because its a VIRTUAL baby shower.. I plan on going totally over the top...

A membership to the La Leche League NZ You know how passionate I am about breastfeeding, its beautiful and natural, but dont be fooled into thinking that means that its always easy. Its a learned skill, you need to learn and he will need to learn. Surround yourself with support and knowledge to help you get through the early days. I know that your body has let you down before, time and time again, it would be natural for you to feel nervous about your body letting you down in terms of breastfeeding. Why should you trust it to work, it hasn't before, right? But Haidee, your body is amazing. Sure, it needed some help to conceive your baby boy, but its 100% you who has carried him this far, its you who has kept him safe and warm and fed, its you who has nurtured him and will continue to nurture him as he leaves the safety of your body and joins you in the outside world. Please, TRUST your body in these coming weeks. Trust your body to bring your son earthside safely, trust your breasts to nourish him as he grows, and trust that in the times of doubt you know everything you need already, you have within you the ability to give your son exactly what he needs, all you need is to believe that you do.

A beautiful baby carrier (or 3, ok so I have 5) from babes in arms there is nothing quite like the feeling of wearing you baby close. If i had my time again, I would have a stretchy wrap (hugabub) for a newborn before moving onto my much loved Ergo.

A gr8x stretchy swaddle wrap. I kid you not, these are the BEST wraps ever. I adored them with both my kids, and they are my standard real life baby shower gift.

A birth notice tee from Quinn Macool this is one of the BEST boys clothing shops I have found. There stuff is awesome and service is second to none. Again my kids have one of these each that are now framed with their plaster hands and feet in our lounge. These are my standard new baby present.

And finally a special whole day spa voucher for us both. To somewhere really fancy, where we could lounge around and be pampered all day long.

Today we joined the league of 1 percenters...

  That's right... statistics show that 1% of 2 years olds receive some breastmilk... and Stella is now one of those 2 year olds. Sad statistics really, knowing that 83% ish of women initiate breastfeeding after birth... that number declines rapidly...a failure not of the mothers, but of the society we live in that bombards them with doubt, and advertisements for formula and health care professionals who just don't know how to support them... but we found the answers to our questions and a community to support us and we stuck at it and reached an awesome milestone... 

To read the full story of breastfeeding Stella, check it out here it wasn't an easy thing to do, but was so totally worth it...

But here we are, 2 years exactly after her birth and tonight she possibly had her last ever breastfeed, booby or booboo as she calls it... this is not my choice, it is hers. And while I'm overjoyed that this was her choice (as I know in my heart it should be), I'm not going to deny that a little tiny piece of my heart is broken because of it. 

The last few weeks I have been seeing that she has been losing interest, feeds had become less frequent and shorter, this was her way of letting me down gently... but I did encourage her a little so that we could be one of the cool 1% crew... 

I know I look so big to you,
Maybe I seem too big for the needs I have.
But no matter how big we get,
We still have needs that are important to us.
I know that our relationship is growing and changing,
But I still need you. I need your warmth and closeness,
Especially at the end of the day
When we snuggle up in bed.
Please don't get too busy for us to breastfeed.
I know you think I can be patient,
Or find something to take the place of a breastfeed;
A book, a glass of something,
But nothing can take your place when I need you.
Sometimes just cuddling with you,
Having you near me is enough.
I guess I am growing and becoming independent,
But please be there.
This bond we have is so strong and so important to me,
Please don't break it abruptly.
Wean me gently,
 

Because I am your mother,  

And my heart is tender. 

 

Oh and how my beautiful, gentle little mite, has weaned her mumma gently... 

 

Tomorrow, we begin the process of 'never offer, never refuse'. This means that I will no longer offer Stella my breast, as a form of nutrition or comfort, but if she asks me for booboo I will not refuse her. This could happen, daily, every few day or never again.

There has been many a quiet tear shed in the last few weeks... in quiet moments, just me and my girl.. in our special booboo chair. The place that I have sat and not only fed, but held, rocked, soothed, and cried with my baby when I could not ease her pain,  for 2 years now. And there are more tears now, as I sit here.. tapping away at the keyboard. 

 

Oh and the irony of finding a stray cloth breast pad on my desk to dab at my eyes with... I take your rain on your wedding day Alanis Morrisette and raise you a breast pad to wipe tears while blogging about the end of breastfeeding... there's some irony for ya... 

So I share with you, some of my favourite pictures of Stella's and mine breastfeeding journey... 

Stella's First breastfeed... in recovery...

At about 4 months for an ABA photoshoot

Dive bomb boob

gotcha

First Birthday Booby

Frankston Beach... 16 months

The all important Second birthday booby

I also have a hilarious pic of her on the boob wearing sunglasses looking totally rock star cool... but of course I cant find it anywhere... 

My hearts bursts with pride at just how far we have come. We worked hard, we fought harder and we did it. But at the same time, my heart aches, I will never again have a small baby at my breast. I will never have the opportunity to' just breastfeed' without baggage, after Stella proving that my boobs do in fact work just fine.  I have no doubt that what I am feeling is normal, I would have felt this way had she weaned at 1 or 5. There really is just a little feeling of rejection attached to this moment. I hear mothers of older children (and sometimes younger children) who breastfeed saying things like, 'I just want my body back' or 'I feel so touched out' and I imagine that being at that point, maybe makes weaning easier, maybe it doesn't, maybe being dumped by your booby buddy just hurts no matter what... but I'm happy to share my body, I don't feel touched out, I love breastfeeding.

So be gentle with me friends, and if you like indulge me a little... if you have pics of Stella and I breastfeeding.. I would love for you to share them with me... the more memories I have of this special time the better.... 

How did you get to 2 my girl?

Today, the baby girl, has turned 2. I know all parents say it, but it really does feel like yesterday she arrived and changed our lives forever. She is just such a beautiful bright spark of a girl and I feel so blessed that she is all mine...

She awoke to presents...

Then the party dress was put on....

And then the food and party began....

By dinner time she was exhausted, partied out and a little bit over emotional...

So a message for my darling girl on this her second birthday. You are AMAZING! I adore you! I love your cheeky smile, your warm hugs and your hilarious sense of self. You make me want to drink up every last moment and jump in the deep end and experience new things... I was concerned about the kind of independant, diva, 2 year old you were going to be...but with that heart leading you, how could you go wrong.

I cant wait for the next year, to watch you grow, learn and experience...

I love you my baby girl... thankyou for being the wonderful little sprite that you are...

Looking back on 2010...

Just thought I would share the high lights and low lights of 2010 and what I'm are looking forward to in 2011... I would love to hear yours too in comments or with a link to your own blog post...
 

high lights...

• getting through so much of my ABA training, I am 1 unit away from being a qualified breastfeeding counsellor

• watching rare moments of the kids playing nicely with each other... and seeing it happen more and more
  
• it was a tough year with Xavier, and I mean really tough, he almost broke me, but as he enters the year of being 3 he is really becoming a much nicer person to be around. He is crazy clever and rather hilarious.. but oh so cheeky...
  
• Stella is really just a joy! she is a diva, whinges most of the time, demands my attention and is the biggest drama queen ever, but she really does make my heart burst. will be interesting to see how she is as a 2 year old..
  
• re-learning how to sew after 20 years away from a machine. I was taught as a young girl by my beloved nan, who died when i was pregnant with Xavier, and i never really had the urge to sew, but having a daughter has changed that, I now love sitting at the machine sewing. I think I was scared to sew again for a long time as I really was worried that it would remind me too much of nan and I would just sit and cry over fabric instead of creating with it, but I LOVE IT. I feel so close to her sewing at her old machine and over locker, my aunts tell me just how proud of me she would be, and DH tells me that he can see me quite literally beaming as I work. I'm so grateful that she taught me to sew.
  
• I have also made some fabulous new friends this year. people who are so different yet so much the same all at once and I love that I have such an amazing variety of women in my life guiding me on the parenting journey.

low lights....

• Xavier. boy there were times this past year when I really was ready to just walk away from him. I never imagined that 1 small boy could push buttons so badly.. I taught 28 year 9 boys and loved it, how does 1 boy destroy my spirit so much?
  
• MIL being sick for 6 weeks. She has my kids one day a week each, she loves the one on one time with them, as they do with her, and it also gives me some one on one time with each kid too. Which is awesome, because they really do fight a LOT, physically fight, with blood shed regularly, so to be able to have 1 nice child twice a week is bliss. But she came down with bronchitis for 6 weeks, I had the kids all day every day for 6 weeks and the 3 of us very nearly went mad. sooo glad when she got better.
  
• planning to build a garage on our house, to make it do until I return to work (when Stella starts school) and we can afford a bigger house, only to get the quotes back and being floored by how much they were. Was looking forward to my own little craft area in the garage, but was not to be, so we built a carport instead to keep me and the kids dry getting in and out of the car.. you know Melbourne, 4 seasons in 1 day.

What I'm looking forward to...

• Xavier going off to kinder next year. he is so very ready and needs more than I can give him at home. it has meant the world to me that i have been able to stay at home and be his sole carer for over 3 years (besides grandma) but he is ready to move away from me and gain a small amount of independence. I cannot wait to see him shine.
  
• trying to get away with the DH and kids for a short break. I don't work all these extra jobs for no reason. 
  
• finishing ABA training and starting to really help women who want to breastfeed. they say being able to breastfeed your child is the worlds greatest joy, helping another women to breastfeed her child is the second greatest joy.
  
• finding some me time and believing that I'm actually worth it and deserve it. This could be the tricky one... 

so come of lovely ladies... share with the rest of us too...

Checking in....

I'm aware I have been rather a bad bad bad blogger of late... but well.. life is busy... so here are 10 6 things that have been keeping me away from blogging...

1. Xavier. Who might I add is proving the skeptics (aka his parentals) wrong. So far as a 3 year old, he has improved outta sight. He still has frequent fights with his sister, but the times of playing together nicely and sharing are increasing, he is also doing his best to try and teach her about taking turns, a concept he has really 'got' recently, Stella however, did not read the same memo so screams with displeasure every time Xavier announces that her turn is finished and its his turn. Then the ultimate cuteness kicks in as he tries to calm her, saying things like, "its OK honey, I'm just going to have a little turn then its your turn again". Hearing him call her honey makes my heart melt... its just the most beautiful thing ever. The tantrums are much fewer and when they happen much less intense. All in all, I am really enjoying my 3 year old son.

2. Stella. How this girl got so divine is just beyond me. Some days I just look at her and almost cry in awe of just how much she takes my breathe away, and then before the first tear drops, she notices me watching and shoots me this look she has that just oozes cheek and I can do nothing but scoop her up laughing and kiss that spot where her jaw meets her neck... bliss. She has had a word explosion, although seems to have a love of the word 'mine" using it frequently as she informs you of everything in the space that is in fact 'hers'. Mine room, mine bunny, mine drink.. yes darling, they are yours. *sigh* For all of her spunk, she really is a placid child at heart. She is fiercely independent, refusing to get into the pram at any point (mine walk mummy) but listens so beautifully when we are out and she is free range... she happily hold hands in carparks, and wanders alongside, keeping close while shopping.

3. Sewing. Yes I have been spending more and more time sewing. To the point where not only do I have my nans sewing machine in my possession, but also her overlocker, which I'm loving. I have been sewing stuff for Stella like a crazy lady, and have started selling some of the other bits and pieces I have been making. Certainly not going to become rich doing it, but I love having  a reason to sit and sew.

4. Kinder. WHAT? who? Xavier starts 3 year old kinder next year and we have been spending time doing lots of talking about that. He had his orientation last week and despite refusing to get dressed, get in the car and get out of the car... once he was there he then refused to come home. I really think he is going to love being with other kids his age, and well, despite the new leaf, I'm still going to enjoy that time out from him.

5. Friends. This year has bought so many new and wonderful women into my life and for this I am blessed. Making time to spend with these girls is a must, with some its once a month or less, with others we chat daily, but they are all awesome. Some I would like to spend more time with, but such is life, we fit in what we can.

6. Work. Yes that's right. I have started working 1 day a week out of the house. And I LOVE it. I'm still doing Baby Center and Baby Beehinds, but am now also working at the Breastfeeding Center in Dandenong. Answering phone, processing payments, taking bookings for breast feeding classes. And loving it.

so that's whats been going on around here... I would promise to try and blog more, but, well... who knows, maybe this time I will....

Xavier is 3!!!

WOW how did that happen? I remember his arrival like it was just yesterday, and now I am a mother to a 3 year old.

Yesterday, 10th October, Mr Xavier had a party to celebrate his big day. There was cake, balloons, a jumping castle and a pinata. He had lots of friends come play and was spoilt rotten with amazing gifts.

So for you my darling boy, despite telling me you are now a big boy, you will always and forever be my baby boy. The past year has been full of challenges and joys as you have developed your own way of doing things, grown to adore and annihilate your sister (often at the same time), and learnt to chuck the tantrum from hell. If I'm being completely honest, I haven't always liked you this past year, but rest assured I have always loved you. I approach the coming year with trepidation  (I hear 3 is harder than 2) but look forward to coming out the other side with you.

Maybe 3 year olds are a bit like year 9's, they both start the year completely insane and irrational but given time they come good, until towards the middle of the year you find yourself warming to them and think they completely rock by the end of the year. Let's aim to be rockin it this time next year!

Thank you for making me a mother and teaching me every day just how to get the job right. I'm lucky that I have such a forgiving (and cute) boss. Love you, big boy.