Stella's arrival Story...

If you aren't familiar with my road to motherhood with Xavier, you can read it here...

...but as baby girls first birthday approaches, all to fast I might add, the time to share her journey into the family has come.

There is 16 months between my babies, and to understand why the gap is so close, its important to know just how long it took for us to fall pregnant with Xavier. 26 long months to be exact.

We had always planned to have kids close. There is a big gap (5 years) between myself and my brother and sister (who are twins) and I have always felt that played a part in the not so close relationship we have. Adam on the other hand, has 16 months between him and his brother and he loved it growing up. He says he never remembers a time when he didn't have a brother, playmate and partner in crime. Although his mother will tell you that Adam was an angel, it was his brother David who led Adam astray. Anyone who knows Dave, will probably agree to this. Personally, I find Dave great fun and actually miss him being around (he lives in London at the moment).

But despite planning kids close, what we got was a little closer than anticipated. We thought 18 months would be a nice time frame, so decided that we would stop using contraception (condoms) when Xave was 6 months old, seeing as it took us ages to get pregnant anyway we figured it would be maybe 12 months before we were pregnant again.

Turns out that Adam's birthday was on Xave's 5 month birthday, and he joked that perhaps he deserved a 'free ride'... so we then decided that we would stop using contraception on Adam's birthday. After all, in 5 years time, would a few months really matter.

In may that year, we were on holidays in sunny Queensland, visiting the lovely Kimbo and my cousin Kaylene and her son Caleb, Xavier was 7 months old and trying to have a baby was the last thing on our minds.

But it was state of origin time, we hate rugby, so I suggested to our hosts that if I was going to have to watch that crud, they had better find me some wine, FAST! They did, and also found Adam some bourbon too. We watched, we drank, we kind of enjoyed it... we were tipsy and we GOT IT ON at a friends place... how very teenage of us.

Weeks later back at home, I realised that my period was probably due soon, when my ticker reminded me that it was in fact due the day before. I had no HPT's in the house, so went to get one, and low and behold... there were 2 lines...

Once again, I called Adam, who declared that he has "super sperm" then a moment later went, "shit its gonna be a girl" lovely. I didn't care what it was, it was another baby, and despite how wonderfully relaxed and easy going Xave was, I was not ready for another one. It wasn't supposed to happen so quickly. It was supposed to take longer. OMG how on earth were we going to do this? Adam was the ever calm one, reminding me that in 5 years the few months wasn't going to matter... and I'm sure he is right, but at the time, all my brain could process was "oh shit!"

Again I did pregnancy well. Blood pressure was medicated but behaved, no hospitalisations were needed, no morning sickness. Tired? yes, but what mother of a small child isn't tired? I did get huge, fast, but I loved the preggo belly, I loved feeling her move and I loved being pregnant.

We argued about whether to find out what we were having this time. We didn't find out with Xavier, figured with our first it didn't matter. I was desperate to know this time, I adore my son, but I really was rather desperate for a girl. Adam didn't care what it was and he didn't want to know this time either. He was concerned that if we found out we were expecting another boy, I would spend the next 4 months depressed... I argued that if it was a boy, yes I would be sad for a minute, but by the time he was here I would have worked through it and just be happy he was here and safe. We were still debating this in the waiting room, at the same time, deciding on a boys name...just for the record, had Stella been a boy, her name would have been Baxter. Adam finally agreed that I could find out BUT I was not allowed to tell anyone else what we were having, it was to be our little secret. Deal!

Towards the end of the scan, the sonographer asked if there was anything else we wanted to see. I asked if the baby was happy to show us what it was packing downstairs. He said it was, and asked if we wanted to know. I replied, I think so, looking hopefully at Adam to make sure he hadn't changed his mind. He said, well thinking so isn't good enough. If you want to know I will tell you, but you have to really be sure, I cant take it back once you know. I said if he could tell me with 99% accuracy then to tell us. So he did. He got a good shot of the aforementioned downstairs, and immediately I saw it, I saw something that resembled a hamburger... it was a girl. Then he said, now see those round bits there.. ARGH what? I said slighly panicked, they are testicles aren't they? He laughed and said, no, they are the balls of the hips, look between them, that there is her FANNY! yes the sonographer said fanny! I cried. Which freaked Adam out a little. He looked at me and said, I thought you wanted a girl. I told him I did, these were happy tears.

On a side note, I am not generally a crier. Its just not something I do often. But while I was pregnant with Xave I lost my beloved nan. I was a mess. I was her favourite and the thought that she wouldn't be here to hold my firstborn cut me to the core. All I wanted was one photo of her with my child, holding them, loving them, the way she did me as a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager, an adult... I always thought that it was 'Hollywood' that people quite literally collapsed with grief, but its what I did. When I got the call, I was at Rock Eisteddfod rehearsals and quite literally collapsed in a heap on the foyer floor of our school gym. I took a week off work, I helped plan the funeral, I surrounded myself with her. With her daughters (my aunts), her house, her knitting... I wore her necklace (that is now mine) to keep her close to my heart. She always talked of me having a daughter, although she was knitting a coming home outfit for my baby when she died, and she was knitting blue, she obviously knew something the rest of us did not. But from the day she died, there was something each day that would remind me of her and I would cry. It would be a song, a smell, seeing another old lady with a baby, my heart just ached to have her back.

I share this, not because I want you to cry, but to understand why at that moment the sonographer told me my baby had a fanny, my heart healed. I felt that growing inside me was a precious gift from my nan. The great grand-daughter she talked of. The little girl she had been knitting for long before I was even considering having children. At that moment, I knew, I just knew without question that she was watching me, guiding me and she had sent me this little girl sooner than expected or planned.

As easy as my pregnancy was, deciding on a name for out little girl was not. Adam wanted Lyla, I didn't know what I wanted. I liked Lyla enough, but I didn't love it, and to not love the name of such a precious gift was just somehow not right. I needed a name that just made my heart sing. We threw around Lucinda (LuLu) and Violet (nan's favourite flower) but nothing felt perfect for me. Then I found Stella and that was it, it was perfect. It means star, my favourite things, and it was strong and feminine. Adam HATED it. Middle names were easy, Dossie after my nan, Dorothy and Grace after Adam's nan, but deciding on the first name was a killer.

So we left it. She would be something Dossie Grace.

On the night before she was born, Adam said to me, what is her name?, I don't want to be deciding on the way to the hospital tomorrow morning. I answered, you know what I want to call her.

She was another elective Cesarean. I booked it for 39 weeks as my private obs was delivering in the public hospital once a fortnight and I wanted him to do it. My friend Sam was the attending midwife, and an old school friend Danielle was there as a student midwife.

It was Thursday 12th February 2oo9.

On the way to the hospital, he asked, what is her name?, I don't want to be deciding on the way to theatre. I answered, you know what I want to call her.

The day she was born was crazy. They told me I was 3rd on the theatre list, then took me down 5 minutes later, only to realise I was not in labour and needing an emergency CS, I was in fact very much not in labour...they had grabbed the wrong person...oops (I feel for the girl who was really in labour and should have been in theatre) As well as my student midwife, there were a few other students in the room too, both of the midwife and obstetric variety. I loved it, it meant that I got to listen to everything that was happening as the real Dr's and midwives explained it all to the students. Although I do recall asking when I heard a catheter was going in, "where are the students? If I wanted people looking up my who-ha I would have pushed a baby out of it", a lovely male student called out to assure me, they were all over on the side wall for the time being...lol

At this point Adam asked me, what is her name?, She has to have a name before we leave theatre. I answered, you know what I want to call her.

Her delivery was easy and quick. It seemed much faster than Xavier's was. Maybe because she was head down and not all breech with legs akimbo. She came out screaming and pissed off at the world. I had been chatting away during delivery, seeing as there were so many people I knew so well in the room, when all of a sudden, there she was, in front of me and I fell silent... not because she was so loud I couldn't be heard (although she was pretty loud) but because all I could see were her bits... the Dr then said, "it is a girl" and I replied with, "thank fuck, I thought they were balls"...lol.

On first sight, I sighed, "oh she has a piggy nose", Adam pointed out, "she has your nose", yes I said, a piggy nose. She looked as much like me as Xavier looked like Adam. Yet, there was something so similar about them both.

Time in recovery with her was short, in no time at all we were back in our room with Adam wanting to make announcement phone calls, when Sam (the midwife) walked in and asked, what is her name? and he replied, Stella Dossie Grace Phillips.

Upon unwrapping my precious bundle back in our room, one of the first things I noticed was that Stella had my nan's hands. It was the final confirmation that she was indeed hand picked and sent by my nan for Adam, Xavier and I to love.